The Master Plan

People often say to me “TLC, you make it look so easy. You are truly a master criminal”. OK, so people don’t actually say that to me but I know they are thinking it. And they are right. I do make it LOOK easy. It looks easy because every time I pull a job, I have planned and researched and rehearsed every tiny detail. I make a master plan.

There are usually at least 5 steps to every master plan.

1. Choose the target – This could be anything. Maybe some treats in the kitchen, or your brother’s favorite toy, or…

2. Plan your route – You need to plan exactly how you are going to get from your bedroom, say, to the bathroom (maybe) and back again. It’s also good to have a backup route. Just in case.

3. Gather your tools – You may need to position a stool or something to get to your target if it is in a high cupboard. You’ll also need a backpack or bag to carry your loot.

4. Plan a diversion – You’ll need to distract mom or dad or whoever might see you.

5. Practice – You’ll want to do a “dry run through”. You could time yourself with a stopwatch.

If you follow these steps you’ll be a master criminal, too, and be well on your way to a life of crime.

And so you know, in the time it has taken you to read this, I’ve stolen $80 worth of mom’s makeup from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. And I’m wearing lipstick.

What’s your master plan?

Good luck,

TLC

Where Foofa Kicks Some Mighty Morphin’ Ass

Dear Little Criminal,

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking of course, that your older brother (only by 4 years) received every single Power Ranger known to mankind for Christmas.  And let’s also say, hypothetically speaking, that you received baby crap like those wierdo Yo Gabba Gabba creatures.

How do I get the cool toys without my brother tattling on me or snatching them back?  Yeah, I know I can steal them and hide them, but what fun are Power Ranger action figures if you can’t have them fight each other in public?

Signed, The Little Brother

Dear LB,

Do you know what the best kind of crime is? It’s the kind when nobody even knows a crime was committed. It’s like when you steal another kid’s candy and he thanks you for it.

That is your challenge and opportunity here. You need your brother to want your Brobee and Foofa so bad he’s willing to give you anything, even his Power Rangers.

This might take a little while so you need to be patient.

You could start by telling your brother some Yo Gabba Gabba stuff. You could say “DJ Lance is so cool. He’s friends with Elijah Wood. You know, Frodo from Lord of the Rings”. Then you could say “And he’s friends with Yuko Araki. She’s super cool. And he’s friends with Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk is soooo cool.”

Then you have to just walk away.

A little later you could walk by your brother with Plex and say “OK Plex, let’s go do some robot stuff”. Just the word “robot” will get your brother’s attention.

Keep doing stuff like that.

It’s going to take time but after a while your brother is going to start to think that Yo Gabba Gabba toys are really pretty cool.

Next, you need to get your brother to start thinking about his Power Rangers in a different way. When he’s playing with them you could say “Oh yah, Power Rangers. Kids used to think they were cool. A long time ago. Oh well, I guess you still like them. Their costumes are pretty”.

And you can say “ Power Rangers was cool before all the plot inconsistencies over the death of Zordon.” At that moment walk away.

By now you have planted all the seeds you need to convince your brother that Power Rangers are lame.

Pretty soon your brother will lose all interest in his Power Rangers toys and will want to play with your super-cool Yo Gabba Gabba stuff instead.

The Power Rangers will be yours for the taking. After all that’s what you want, right?

Good luck,

TLC

This Is Not The Criminal You Are Looking For

So far I’ve told you about a few different ways to commit your crimes. You can pick your dad’s (or mom’s) pocket. You can grab and run with some cookies. You can sneak around unnoticed, like a ninja. These are all good ways.

I’ve talked about keeping your parents awake for years to make them weak. And I’ve  talked about what to do if you get caught.This is all very important information if you are going to be a criminal.

Well, how would you like it if you didn’t have to work so hard to get what you want? What if I told you that you can have whatever you want? What if I told you that you don’t have to worry about getting caught? Does this sound too good to be true?

Well it is true.

If you want your mom or dad to do something  like buy you candy or toys, or take you somewhere, or anything like that, you have to trick them. You need to trick their minds. Here’s what you do. Just walk up to them and look them straight in the eye and really slowly say “buy me candy”. Then you wave your hand. You will hypnotize them and they will do whatever you want them to.

Try it. It works. I saw it in a movie.

Good Luck.

TLC

TLC Crime Tip #1 – Trust no one. Especially your friends.

Dear TLC,

Dude, I need your help. I had some friends over and we made this cool pillow fort with all the pillows and blankets and any furniture we could move.  But my friends just went home and left me holding the bag. Bogus!

Dear Bogus!,

This is why I prefer to work alone. Criminals, especially little criminals, can’t be trusted. You just never know when your buddies are going to throw you under the bus.

There are going to be times when you need help pulling off a job. You might need a look-out, or help moving something big. That’s when you can get your friends or a brother or sister involved. But that’s also when you have to decide right away,in your mind, which of your friends is going to take the hit if you get caught.

With your fort, your friends decided YOU were going to take the hit. Ouch. I know it hurts, but you’ve learned a valuable lesson. So your next assignment is to get back at your buddies. Bigtime.

Good luck,

TLC

Do You Know The Muffin Man?

Dear TLC:

I steal food. It’s what I do. My favorites are honey buns and mini muffins. Well, I usually sneak into the bathroom to eat them unnoticed but lately I need a lot of them to get my fix and if I get caught it’s too much to flush down the toilet. I don’t want to have to lower my quota. What do you recommend that doesn’t involve less loot?

Desperately awaiting a solution.

Joe

Dear Joe,

You ever watch squirrels? Today I was watching the squirrels in our back yard. They steal the seed from the birdfeeder. It makes my dad crazy. But what I’ve noticed is this: sometimes the squirrels eat the seed, but sometimes they stash it in different places around the yard so they can eat it later. This is what you must do with the muffins: STASH THEM. Why flush your muffins when you could just stash them behind the toilet? And there are lots of other good places to hide your stash. Like under your bed or or under your pillow or in your toy box. I have a toy oven and I hide stuff in there all the time.

Another good place is the back of your mom’s closet where she keeps her “skinny clothes.” If you’re lucky, and she’s anything like my mom, she’s probably got her own stash in there too.

Good luck.

TLC

Crime & Punishment

If you get caught doing something “bad”, mom or dad are going to want to “discipline” you. That’s because they think that’s what they are supposed to do. They’ve probably been reading parenting books or watching Super Nanny.

But then you do something really bad and they get all mad and forget  the Super Nanny stuff and next thing you know they are yelling and telling you they’re going to  give away all your toys or sell you on “Craig’s list” or send you to Monster Island. Don’t worry. They’re not allowed to do those things.

If they do manage to not yell and they just send you to the naughty step, it’s best to sit there and look remorseful (that means sorry). If they send you to your room, enjoy the time planning your next crime.

Don’t worry. They’re never going to give your toys away. And they’re not going to send you to Monster Island. Probably.

Sleep Is For Beginners

Dear little criminal,
Maybe you could do a post on sleep deprivation as a tool to get what
you want. I’m 3 and my mom hasn’t slept through the night since I
was born.

Your friend and like minded criminal

*sneaky pete*

Dear sneaky pete,

If mom and dad get a good night sleep they wake up all rested and stuff. You know, all energetic and strong and thinking straight.
That’s not good. You want them tired, ’cause a tired parent is slow and weak and has a hard time saying “no.”

Sounds like you are doing a great job, so far. But you never know when they’re going to start finding ways to get some rest. So keep waking them up at night to keep them off balance.

If you can keep them tired, you can get pretty much anything you want. You can aim small, like having maple syrup and pickles for breakfast.
I like to aim high. I have a note from my dad promising me a Escalade with spinners when I turn 10.

I let him sleep through a whole episode of The Wiggles for that.

Keep up the good work.

TLC

Have Gum, Will Travel

Are you small and need help getting into (or out of) trouble?

Are you big and need help solving your small person’s crimes?

Send me your questions.

Send me a picture of the crime scene.

I am here to help.

TLC

thelittlecriminal@gmail.com

Move Like a Ninja, Sting Like a Bee

If you are going to do something “bad” you probably don’t want to get caught.

If you are going to steal something or sneak some TV you need to learn to move very quietly.

You don’t want mom and dad to see or hear you.

You need to learn to move like a Ninja.

A Ninja can move very quickly but quietly.

These are some Ninja things you can do.

If you are sneaking out of bed, slip quietly onto the floor. Don’t jump.

Walk close to the wall or the edge of the stairs so they don’t squeak.

Stay in the shadows.

Socks only is always better than barefeet or shoes. Socks are quieter and don’t leave sweaty footprints.

If you have black pajamas, that’s good.

Once I saw a Ninja in a movie hide in a pool and breath through a straw. I would totally try that, but we don’t have a pool.

Now you can practice your Ninja moves.

That Darn Cat

Dear Little Criminal,

My name is Jacob. I am 5 years old. I am writing this while my mom takes a shower – shhh, don’t tell her I wrote this because she doesn’t like it when I use her computer). I read your blog when my mom was sleeping , and you seem to know a lot about how to do what you want and get away with it. Do you have any advice on how to avoid being punished when I tease the cat? They always ask me if I teased the cat, and I say no, but they don’t believe me, they believe the cat. She’s always meowing really loudly, like I yanked her tail or something, when all I did was pet her. Hard.

Can you help? Oh, I better go. I hear mom coming!

Jacob

Dear Jacob,

First thing. If your cat is older than you, that means it was getting way more attention from your mom and dad before you were born. Then you were born and the cat started getting no attention. That makes cats really mad.

Second, moms and dads are always looking for someone to blame, and it’s hard to blame the cat.

So, the cat is always going to get you in trouble. You can’t change that. And you are always going to get blamed. Can’t change that either.

Here is what you can do.

If they didn’t see you, then you didn’t do it.

So look mom or dad straight in the eye and say “I didn’t do it”. Just say it once. Look right at them for a long time. Don’t look away and don’t blink. That’s called “selling it”.

Next, if they still don’t believe you, cry. Just a little, but cry. Crying makes your parents feel bad.

Finally, if you get sent to your room, or something, you can use the time to plan your next crime. Like getting back at that cat.

Good luck.

TLC