Shameless Self Promotion

3 03 2010

The Master Plan

15 06 2009

People often say to me “TLC, you make it look so easy. You are truly a master criminal”. OK, so people don’t actually say that to me but I know they are thinking it. And they are right. I do make it LOOK easy. It looks easy because every time I pull a job, I have planned and researched and rehearsed every tiny detail. I make a master plan.

There are usually at least 5 steps to every master plan.

1. Choose the target – This could be anything. Maybe some treats in the kitchen, or your brother’s favorite toy, or…

2. Plan your route – You need to plan exactly how you are going to get from your bedroom, say, to the bathroom (maybe) and back again. It’s also good to have a backup route. Just in case.

3. Gather your tools – You may need to position a stool or something to get to your target if it is in a high cupboard. You’ll also need a backpack or bag to carry your loot.

4. Plan a diversion – You’ll need to distract mom or dad or whoever might see you.

5. Practice – You’ll want to do a “dry run through”. You could time yourself with a stopwatch.

If you follow these steps you’ll be a master criminal, too, and be well on your way to a life of crime.

And so you know, in the time it has taken you to read this, I’ve stolen $80 worth of mom’s makeup from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. And I’m wearing lipstick.

What’s your master plan?

Good luck,


the plan 001


Where Foofa Kicks Some Mighty Morphin’ Ass

11 06 2009

Dear Little Criminal,

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking of course, that your older brother (only by 4 years) received every single Power Ranger known to mankind for Christmas.  And let’s also say, hypothetically speaking, that you received baby crap like those wierdo Yo Gabba Gabba creatures.

How do I get the cool toys without my brother tattling on me or snatching them back?  Yeah, I know I can steal them and hide them, but what fun are Power Ranger action figures if you can’t have them fight each other in public?

Signed, The Little Brother

Dear LB,

Do you know what the best kind of crime is? It’s the kind when nobody even knows a crime was committed. It’s like when you steal another kid’s candy and he thanks you for it.

That is your challenge and opportunity here. You need your brother to want your Brobee and Foofa so bad he’s willing to give you anything, even his Power Rangers.

This might take a little while so you need to be patient.DJLanceRock

You could start by telling your brother some Yo Gabba Gabba stuff. You could say “DJ Lance is so cool. He’s friends with Elijah Wood. You know, Frodo from Lord of the Rings”. Then you could say “And he’s friends with Yuko Araki. She’s super cool. And he’s friends with Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk is soooo cool.”

Then you have to just walk away.

plexA little later you could walk by your brother with Plex and say “OK Plex, let’s go do some robot stuff”. Just the word “robot” will get your brother’s attention.

Keep doing stuff like that.

It’s going to take time but after a while your brother is going to start to think that Yo Gabba Gabba toys are really pretty cool.

Next, you need to get your brother to start thinking about his Power Rangers in a different way. When he’s playing with them you could say “Oh yah, Power Rangers. Kids used to think they were cool. A long time ago. Oh well, I guess you still like them. Their costumes are pretty”.

And you can say “ Power Rangers was cool before all the plot inconsistencies over the death of Zordon.” At that moment walk away.power-rangers_turboranger

By now you have planted all the seeds you need to convince your brother that Power Rangers are lame.

Pretty soon your brother will lose all interest in his Power Rangers toys and will want to play with your super-cool Yo Gabba Gabba stuff instead.

The Power Rangers will be yours for the taking. After all that’s what you want, right?

Good luck,



This Is Not The Criminal You Are Looking For

9 06 2009

So far I’ve told you about a few different ways to commit your crimes. You can pick your dad’s (or mom’s) pocket. You can grab and run with some cookies. You can sneak around unnoticed, like a ninja. These are all good ways.

I’ve talked about keeping your parents awake for years to make them weak. And I’ve  talked about what to do if you get caught.This is all very important information if you are going to be a criminal.

Well, how would you like it if you didn’t have to work so hard to get what you want? What if I told you that you can have whatever you want? What if I told you that you don’t have to worry about getting caught? Does this sound too good to be true?

Well it is true.

If you want your mom or dad to do something  like buy you candy or toys, or take you somewhere, or anything like that, you have to trick them. You need to trick their minds. Here’s what you do. Just walk up to them and look them straight in the eye and really slowly say “buy me candy”. Then you wave your hand. You will hypnotize them and they will do whatever you want them to.

Try it. It works. I saw it in a movie.

Good Luck.


jedi 001


TLC Crime Tip #1 – Trust no one. Especially your friends.

8 06 2009



Dear TLC,

Dude, I need your help. I had some friends over and we made this cool pillow fort with all the pillows and blankets and any furniture we could move.  But my friends just went home and left me holding the bag. Bogus!

Dear Bogus!,

This is why I prefer to work alone. Criminals, especially little criminals, can’t be trusted. You just never know when your buddies are going to throw you under the bus.

There are going to be times when you need help pulling off a job. You might need a look-out, or help moving something big. That’s when you can get your friends or a brother or sister involved. But that’s also when you have to decide right away,in your mind, which of your friends is going to take the hit if you get caught.

With your fort, your friends decided YOU were going to take the hit. Ouch. I know it hurts, but you’ve learned a valuable lesson. So your next assignment is to get back at your buddies. Bigtime.

Good luck,



Do You Know The Muffin Man?

8 06 2009


Dear TLC:

I steal food. It’s what I do. My favorites are honey buns and mini muffins. Well, I usually sneak into the bathroom to eat them unnoticed but lately I need a lot of them to get my fix and if I get caught it’s too much to flush down the toilet. I don’t want to have to lower my quota. What do you recommend that doesn’t involve less loot?

Desperately awaiting a solution.


Dear Joe,

You ever watch squirrels? Today I was watching the squirrels in our back yard. They steal the seed from the birdfeeder. It makes my dad crazy. But what I’ve noticed is this: sometimes the squirrels eat the seed, but sometimes they stash it in different places around the yard so they can eat it later. This is what you must do with the muffins: STASH THEM. Why flush your muffins when you could just stash them behind the toilet? And there are lots of other good places to hide your stash. Like under your bed or or under your pillow or in your toy box. I have a toy oven and I hide stuff in there all the time.

Another good place is the back of your mom’s closet where she keeps her “skinny clothes.” If you’re lucky, and she’s anything like my mom, she’s probably got her own stash in there too.

Good luck.



Crime & Punishment

4 06 2009

jail 001If you get caught doing something “bad”, mom or dad are going to want to “discipline” you. That’s because they think that’s what they are supposed to do. They’ve probably been reading parenting books or watching Super Nanny.

But then you do something really bad and they get all mad and forget  the Super Nanny stuff and next thing you know they are yelling and telling you they’re going to  give away all your toys or sell you on “Craig’s list” or send you to Monster Island. Don’t worry. They’re not allowed to do those things.

If they do manage to not yell and they just send you to the naughty step, it’s best to sit there and look remorseful (that means sorry). If they send you to your room, enjoy the time planning your next crime.

Don’t worry. They’re never going to give your toys away. And they’re not going to send you to Monster Island. Probably.