The Little Criminal – CSI

31 05 2009

This little French girl. She is so cute.

So cute.

So dumb.

Letting her mom videotape the crime. HUGE Mistake.

She admits everything.

She tries to hide the evidence.

How do you say “busted” in French?

I’ll explain what I would have done if I were her. But that’s for another day.

Right now I have to go steal some candy.

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Eats Cookies & Leaves

28 05 2009

eatandleave 001If I want a cookie sometimes I just have to help myself.

Because sometimes Mom or Dad don’t want me to have a cookie. I don’t know why.

So I have to steal them.

But if Mom or Dad are in the kitchen then I might wait a very long time until they are gone so I can get a cookie.

So I just walk up to the cookie jar and grab as many as I can, then run.

If Mom or Dad chases me I toss one cookie away. That distracts them and usually slows them down.

If they are still chasing me I go under the dining room table and stuff all the cookies in my mouth.

I can put a lot in there.

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Pockets Are For Picking.

28 05 2009

pockets 001There are lots of ways to pick pockets, but here is my favourite.

I run up to my dad smiling so he will pick me up to give me a hug.

As he picks me up I wrap one arm around him to give him a big hug and I use the other hand, just at the right moment, to reach into his shirt pocket and grab whatever is there.

Usually it’s his cellphone. He loves that thing.

Then he puts me down and I run away and play with his phone. There are games on it.

Once I called someone far away. I think it was China. That made dad a little mad.

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Would I Lie to You?

28 05 2009

lie 001Why lie?

Because lying is the single most valuable skill you can have as a criminal.

Lying is easy. It takes no effort. All you have to do is stand there. And lie.

Lying can get you stuff.  “Mom, I didn’t have a snack yet”.  Or “Mom, Dad said I could have a treat”.  Both of these might be lies, but either might get you what you want.

Lying can get you out of trouble. “I didn’t do it”.  A simple lie. Simple but effective.

When telling a lie always look Mom or Dad right in the eye. And don’t blink.

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The Devil Made Me Do It.

28 05 2009

doit001Life is hard when you are small. And it’s so unfair.

You are surrounded by big people. Big people with stuff. Big people with money.

Big people with the ability to go and do and get whatever they want. Or so it seems.

But you are small. And have none of those things.

So you must use your skills. Those innate abilities that you were born with.

You must lie, cheat and steal. After all, it’s only fair.

I’m pretty good at this stuff. My dad calls me The Little Criminal.

Follow me. I’ll teach you everything.

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