That Darn Cat

1 06 2009

Dear Little Criminal,

My name is Jacob. I am 5 years old. I am writing this while my mom takes a shower – shhh, don’t tell her I wrote this because she doesn’t like it when I use her computer). I read your blog when my mom was sleeping , and you seem to know a lot about how to do what you want and get away with it. Do you have any advice on how to avoid being punished when I tease the cat? They always ask me if I teased the cat, and I say no, but they don’t believe me, they believe the cat. She’s always meowing really loudly, like I yanked her tail or something, when all I did was pet her. Hard.

Can you help? Oh, I better go. I hear mom coming!


Dear Jacob,

First thing. If your cat is older than you, that means it was getting way more attention from your mom and dad before you were born. Then you were born and the cat started getting no attention. That makes cats really mad.

Second, moms and dads are always looking for someone to blame, and it’s hard to blame the cat.

So, the cat is always going to get you in trouble. You can’t change that. And you are always going to get blamed. Can’t change that either.

Here is what you can do.

If they didn’t see you, then you didn’t do it.

So look mom or dad straight in the eye and say “I didn’t do it”. Just say it once. Look right at them for a long time. Don’t look away and don’t blink. That’s called “selling it”.

Next, if they still don’t believe you, cry. Just a little, but cry. Crying makes your parents feel bad.

Finally, if you get sent to your room, or something, you can use the time to plan your next crime. Like getting back at that cat.

Good luck.






6 responses

1 06 2009
Redneck Mommy

It’s like your in my house, watching my childrens.

I’m getting chills.

And I’m blocking this site on my kid’s internet account so they don’t get any ideas.

2 06 2009

Redneck Mommy, don’t worry, I’m not in your house. I have people do that for me.

2 06 2009

Don’t forget finding a scapegoat. I was often able to avoid punishment by making sure a younger sibling or the dog was in the vicinity when I was doing something I knew would result in punishment.

Funny stuff. Have you thought about a share function for FB and Twitter?

2 06 2009

Hi SillyDad,
That’s right, a scapegoat is good.
Even if there is no one else to blame, I’ll just make up a story like “but dad, a guy crawled down the chimney and pulled the cat’s tail then ran away.”
But I didn’t want to give away too many of my secrets to Jacob.

3 06 2009

Imaginary friends are always good to blame things on too. They are the naughty ones at my house.

3 06 2009
Her Bad Mother

Dude. Blame your baby brother.

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