Sleep Is For Beginners

3 06 2009

sleep 001Dear little criminal,
Maybe you could do a post on sleep deprivation as a tool to get what
you want. I’m 3 and my mom hasn’t slept through the night since I
was born.

Your friend and like minded criminal

*sneaky pete*

Dear sneaky pete,

If mom and dad get a good night sleep they wake up all rested and stuff. You know, all energetic and strong and thinking straight.
That’s not good. You want them tired, ’cause a tired parent is slow and weak and has a hard time saying “no.”

Sounds like you are doing a great job, so far. But you never know when they’re going to start finding ways to get some rest. So keep waking them up at night to keep them off balance.

If you can keep them tired, you can get pretty much anything you want. You can aim small, like having maple syrup and pickles for breakfast.
I like to aim high. I have a note from my dad promising me a Escalade with spinners when I turn 10.

I let him sleep through a whole episode of The Wiggles for that.

Keep up the good work.




Have Gum, Will Travel

3 06 2009

Are you small and need help getting into (or out of) trouble?

Are you big and need help solving your small person’s crimes?

Send me your questions.

Send me a picture of the crime scene.

I am here to help.


Move Like a Ninja, Sting Like a Bee

2 06 2009

ninja 001If you are going to do something “bad” you probably don’t want to get caught.

If you are going to steal something or sneak some TV you need to learn to move very quietly.

You don’t want mom and dad to see or hear you.

You need to learn to move like a Ninja.

A Ninja can move very quickly but quietly.

These are some Ninja things you can do.

If you are sneaking out of bed, slip quietly onto the floor. Don’t jump.

Walk close to the wall or the edge of the stairs so they don’t squeak.

Stay in the shadows.

Socks only is always better than barefeet or shoes. Socks are quieter and don’t leave sweaty footprints.

If you have black pajamas, that’s good.

Once I saw a Ninja in a movie hide in a pool and breath through a straw. I would totally try that, but we don’t have a pool.

Now you can practice your Ninja moves.


That Darn Cat

1 06 2009

Dear Little Criminal,

My name is Jacob. I am 5 years old. I am writing this while my mom takes a shower – shhh, don’t tell her I wrote this because she doesn’t like it when I use her computer). I read your blog when my mom was sleeping , and you seem to know a lot about how to do what you want and get away with it. Do you have any advice on how to avoid being punished when I tease the cat? They always ask me if I teased the cat, and I say no, but they don’t believe me, they believe the cat. She’s always meowing really loudly, like I yanked her tail or something, when all I did was pet her. Hard.

Can you help? Oh, I better go. I hear mom coming!


Dear Jacob,

First thing. If your cat is older than you, that means it was getting way more attention from your mom and dad before you were born. Then you were born and the cat started getting no attention. That makes cats really mad.

Second, moms and dads are always looking for someone to blame, and it’s hard to blame the cat.

So, the cat is always going to get you in trouble. You can’t change that. And you are always going to get blamed. Can’t change that either.

Here is what you can do.

If they didn’t see you, then you didn’t do it.

So look mom or dad straight in the eye and say “I didn’t do it”. Just say it once. Look right at them for a long time. Don’t look away and don’t blink. That’s called “selling it”.

Next, if they still don’t believe you, cry. Just a little, but cry. Crying makes your parents feel bad.

Finally, if you get sent to your room, or something, you can use the time to plan your next crime. Like getting back at that cat.

Good luck.



The Little Criminal – CSI

31 05 2009

This little French girl. She is so cute.

So cute.

So dumb.

Letting her mom videotape the crime. HUGE Mistake.

She admits everything.

She tries to hide the evidence.

How do you say “busted” in French?

I’ll explain what I would have done if I were her. But that’s for another day.

Right now I have to go steal some candy.


Eats Cookies & Leaves

28 05 2009

eatandleave 001If I want a cookie sometimes I just have to help myself.

Because sometimes Mom or Dad don’t want me to have a cookie. I don’t know why.

So I have to steal them.

But if Mom or Dad are in the kitchen then I might wait a very long time until they are gone so I can get a cookie.

So I just walk up to the cookie jar and grab as many as I can, then run.

If Mom or Dad chases me I toss one cookie away. That distracts them and usually slows them down.

If they are still chasing me I go under the dining room table and stuff all the cookies in my mouth.

I can put a lot in there.


Pockets Are For Picking.

28 05 2009

pockets 001There are lots of ways to pick pockets, but here is my favourite.

I run up to my dad smiling so he will pick me up to give me a hug.

As he picks me up I wrap one arm around him to give him a big hug and I use the other hand, just at the right moment, to reach into his shirt pocket and grab whatever is there.

Usually it’s his cellphone. He loves that thing.

Then he puts me down and I run away and play with his phone. There are games on it.

Once I called someone far away. I think it was China. That made dad a little mad.